im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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