They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Bring me that man meat
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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