How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
