I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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