Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
