I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
