how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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