So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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