You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
3pm strippers are depressing
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
