I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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