my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
