Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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