Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
