That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
