I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
