I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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