Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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