So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
