She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
