i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
A+ Viking dick
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
