I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
