I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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