I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
