I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
they're like a gay fantastic four
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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