talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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