My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
