I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
