The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
