we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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