Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize