the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
