I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
My bed is full of blood and feathers
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
