I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
