On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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