so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
