Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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