Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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