There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My ATM looks so different sober.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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