How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize