so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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