who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
