I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
