i just sent this text using only my big toe
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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