Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
