yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
