Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
