She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
