I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
