the condom got lost in my hair
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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