Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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