the condom got lost in my hair
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
