dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
