walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize