did you get engaged???
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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