matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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