Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
