Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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