Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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