Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
