She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
